What is

Family Violence?

Family violence is any form of abuse, mistreatment, or neglect that you experience from a family member, or from someone you have an intimate relationship with. Family violence includes:

Physical abuse
Emotional abuse
Financial abuse
Sexual abuse

Threats against you or others
Harassment
Damaging your property or harming your pets

The violence may not happen at the beginning of the relationship. It may start small and then get worse as time goes on. In most cases, a male partner is violent towards a female partner, but that is not always the case. Family violence can happen to anyone in any situation. It is known to occur in families that are large, small, rich, poor, well-educated, not well-educated, and in any location in the world. Some people don’t think they are living with family violence because perhaps they have never been physically injured by their partner. But emotional and mental abuse can be just as harmful as physical attacks.

If you or someone you know is experiencing family violence of any kind, you are in danger.

Recognizing an Abusive Person

A lot of research has been done on abusive people, and they have many similarities. Here is how to recognize someone who is an abuser.

1. THEY BELIEVE THAT:

Their partner is an object, not a person.
They own their partner. She/he/they belongs to them and only them.
Their partner does not have any rights.
Being in a relationship is hugely important. In fact, they may be in relationships with several people at the same time.
They are GREAT at manipulating people and take great pride in doing so.
They can convince most people of anything. They are very good actors.

2. THEY FOLLOW SIMILAR PATTERNS IN RELATIONSHIPS:

They start by being very charming and will heap attention on you.
They may shower you with expensive gifts.
They will want to spend every minute with you.
They “groom” you to lure you in and increase their control over you. You may not even notice that they are making you more and more dependent on them.
Once they have you under their control, they will manipulate you into believing that you deserve the abuse.

3. THEY USE THESE TACTICS TO GAIN CONTROL OF YOU:

Grooming – as mentioned earlier, they come across as very charming and attentive to make you think they are wonderful people.
Psychological manipulation – They do and say things to make you question your own reality. They slowly get you to doubt your ability to make decisions as they increase their control over your life.
Maximizing contact – They will try to spend as much time with you as they possibly can.
“Nice & Nasty” – Sometimes they will be extremely kind and romantic and loving. Then suddenly there will be a switch to extreme anger and abuse. After they have been nasty, they may see that you are pulling away from them, and they will be very apologetic and kind again. This creates a “push-pull” bond, and it can be stronger than a bond with someone who is just moderately nice to you on a regular basis.

NEGGING (Negative Feedback)

Negging is an act of emotional manipulation where someone says something to undermine your confidence and increase your need for approval. Some examples include:

Backhanded compliments
“Wow, that’s quite the dress! I’m surprised someone as big as you would be brave enough to wear that.”

Comparing you to others
“I’m glad to see you are working out! Maybe one day you can look as hot as your sister does…”

‘Constructive’ Criticism
“This casserole is great! Next time maybe you can cook the noodles a little less, so they aren’t so soggy and tasteless, though.”

GASLIGHTING

is a manipulation tactic where someone tries to make you question your own reality or sanity. They may repeatedly tell you things that aren’t true so that you doubt your perception of events. Some examples include:

Telling obvious lies
Denying they did/said something, even when you have proof
Projecting their own weaknesses onto you
Telling you or others that you are ‘crazy’
Trying to get people to go against you
Trying to convince you that your friends and family are lying to you

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

Emotional blackmail is a manipulation tactic where someone places demands or threatens you to get what they want. The underlying message is that if you don’t do what they want, you will suffer. Some examples include:

Telling you that if you ever leave them, they will kill themselves.
Suggesting that if you really loved them, you would give up your friendship with people they don’t like.
Suggesting that you couldn’t survive (financially, physically, emotionally, mentally) without them.

WHAT SHOULD YOU WATCH FOR AT THE START OF THE RELATIONSHIP?

TOO MUCH
Too much togetherness, too many gifts, too many phone calls and texts when you aren’t together, too much money being spent on you

TOO SOON
They may want to move very quickly in the relationship and may pressure you to do things too quickly, such as becoming intimate or moving in together.

TRANSFORMING
They start trying to change you - asking you to change your hairstyle, wear different clothes, stop spending time with your friends, etc.

SECRETS “I’LL TELL YOU MINE AND YOU TELL ME YOURS”

They will tell you their secrets and then ask you to tell them yours. Later on, they may use these to blackmail you into staying.
They will suprise you or give you secret gifts, but ask you not to tell anyone else. This is meant to make you feel like you are getting special treatment, so you ignore the abuse that follows.

ISOLATION “THERE IS NO ONE FOR YOU BUT ME”

The only one they want you to spend time with is them.
They will slowly get you to give up your friends and family, often by making you think your friends and family are not to be trusted. Eventually you will have no one in your life but your partner.

YOU CAN’T LEAVE “IF YOU DO, YOU’LL BE SORRY”

They will make you believe that if you leave them, something terrible will happen.
They may threaten you and/or your children with harm.
They may threaten to reveal your secrets to others.
They may threaten to harm themselves if you leave.

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