Staying Safe

in a Violent Home

If you live in Canada, even if you are not a Canadian citizen, you have the right to live in safety. An abusive partner may try to tell you that you have no rights, or that you have to do whatever they tell you to do.They may treat you like a piece of property that they own. This is not true. You have the right to think and speak for yourself, and you have the same rights and freedoms as anyone else in this country. You have the right to be safe.

Having said that, there are times when someone must continue to live with their abusive partner. Perhaps they are unable to leave at this time, or they may need to prepare for leaving, and that can take a while. This document is meant to help you learn how you can keep yourself safe while you are living with an abusive person.

Steps for keeping yourself safe

1. TELL SOMEONE

a. The more people who know, the more people can help you.

b. By telling other people, it may make the abusive person realize that others know about their behaviour.

c. If others know, they can help you if you need to escape quickly or need medical assistance.

d. Set up a check in with a friend, family, or neighbour – preferably daily. If they don’t hear from you every day, they should come and check on you.

e. Set up a code word you can use with people to get them to send help when necessary. If you text the word or use it in a phone call, they will know that you need assistance.

f. Set up a signal that can be seen by a trusted person who lives nearby. Flashing certain lights on and off, leaving an outside light on, hanging something out of a window – any of these could be used to let someone know you are in danger.

g. You may feel embarrassed to tell others that you are being abused, especially if you aren’t able to leave the relationship at the moment. Remember, the shame belongs to the abuser, not you. Telling someone could save you and your children’s lives.

2. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING

a. Any time you are abused – whether it is physical, verbal, or emotional abuse – write down notes about what happened.

b. Include the date, time, names of people involved, any witnesses, and details about what happened.

c. As much as possible, keep it factual. At some point in the future, your notes could be used in court.

d. If you receive emails from your abuser, print copies of them or forward them to a trusted friend.

e. If you receive text messages or posts on social media accounts, take screen shots of them and send them to a trusted friend.

f. Take pictures of any injuries to yourself or damage of property, noting the date and time they occurred.

g. Be sure to keep all the information well-hidden, have a friend keep it for you or keep it somewhere besides your home.

3. PREPARE AND HIDE A SAFETY PACK IN CASE YOU NEED TO LEAVE SUDDENLY

a. A safety pack is an emergency kit of important items to have when fleeing an abuser.

b. It should be stored in a safe place and available when you need to leave quickly.

c. It may need to be stored outside your home with someone you trust (family, friend, neighbour, trusted professional, shelter worker, etc.)

d. It can be a useful tool to have, but it could also alert your abuser that you are planning to leave, and that could put you in danger. Be very careful preparing and storing/hiding this pack.

e. See the Safety Pack Checklist at the end of this section for information on what to include in your safety pack.

4. PLAN AHEAD FOR VIOLENT EPISODES

a. Choose an escape plan/route and rehearse it – both during daylight and in darkness.

b. Make arrangements with some friends and/or family members where you might go when violence breaks out in your home.

c. Know where weapons are kept and try to make it more difficult for others to get to them. For example, guns should be kept locked up and ammunition should be locked up in a separate area. d. Pay attention to their moods and behaviour; watch for signs that they are about to become abusive.

e. Always keep your phone close by.

f. Have a list of phone numbers you can call in an emergency or crisis. This list could be preprogrammed into your phone under false names or with a trusted friend or family member. g. Contact an organization that can help you with safety planning (a shelter, victim services, the police)

h. Change your passwords and clear your browsing and phone history.

5. WHEN YOUR PARTNER BECOMES VIOLENT

a. If you suspect a violent attack may be coming, try to get yourself and your children out of your home

b. Try to avoid conflict in rooms with weapons (kitchen/dining room, bathroom, garage)

c. Try to move to a safer room – one with a door or window to the outside or a door with a lock d. If you can’t get away, do what you can to protect yourself. Try making yourself into a smaller target by diving into a corner and curling up into a ball. Protect your face and, put your arms around each side of your head, then wrap your fingers together.

e. Call the RCMP or 911 as soon as you can.

Information on choking/strangulation

Choking/strangulation incudes hands around your neck, putting you in a ‘sleeper hold’, or using something like a scarf, necklace, belt, or rope to strangle you.
Symptoms include: a sore throat, difficulty swallowing, neck pain, hoarseness, bruising on the neck or behind the ears, discolouration on your tongue, ringing in your ears, bloodshot eyes, dizziness, memory loss, drooling, nausea or vomiting, difficulty breathing, incontinence, a seizure, a miscarriage, changes in mood or personality, changes in sleep patterns, changes in vision like blurriness or seeing double, fainting.
Since choking can cause memory loss, it is important to document the incident as soon as possible after it happens.

Why don’t you just leave?

Have you heard this question before? You have probably asked yourself the same thing. There are many reasons why people find it difficult to leave. These are just a few of them.

Danger & Fear – It can be dangerous to leave. The fear that you feel is very real. Of course, it can be dangerous for you to stay as well, and when you realize you are at that point, you may make a move.

Isolation – This type of abuse relies on keeping you isolated from family & friends. It becomes more difficult to leave when you don’t feel like you have anyone close to you who you can trust to help you. Do what you can to keep your friendships.

Shame & Embarrassment – In many cases abusers are well respected, charming, and well-liked by others. Outsiders may have no idea that you are being abused, and the abuser may be working to make people think there is something wrong with you. You may be embarrassed to admit that they have treated you so badly. You may feel ashamed that you haven’t left already. Please know that the shame belongs on your abusive partner. You have done nothing wrong. You are being manipulated.

Trauma and lack of confidence – When you hear negative messages about yourself every day, you begin to believe them. This not only lowers your belief in your ability to go out on your own; it physically weakens you and can even change how your brain works. The more you can do to build up your confidence, the easier it will be to leave.

Practical Reasons – Abusers often control every aspect of your life, including money and finances. You may feel it is impossible to leave because you can’t access any money. You may live in an area where there is no housing available. You might need to move where you wouldn’t have childcare. Leaving requires a lot of planning first.

Lack of Support – It can be hard to ask for support, especially if you have left before and then gone back. People often misunderstand family violence, and they may not respond in a helpful way when you talk about it. Keep asking anyway. Help is available.

Online and Cellphone Safety

One of the most common abuse tactics is controlling your movements. As a result, you should expect that your phone and computer use will be monitored by your abuser if they are able.

If you aren’t currently living with your abuser, there is a good chance they will try to follow you on social media accounts to continue to keep track of your movements. Operate as though they will see anything that you post, text, share or even search on your computer or cellphone.

Breaking or taking your phone is another way your abuser may try to control you. If you are able, get a pay as you go phone that you can store in your safety pack or with a friend. Having a phone is very important for your safety.

Staying safe while in the home

Many phones have GPS capability, meaning that someone with knowledge of how it works may be able to track your movements and location. It is possible to turn off this feature. However, this could be a dangerous thing to do when you are living with your abuser. It is probably best to leave it as is to avoid creating any suspicion that you are trying to hide your location when you are not with your partner.
It is also possible for someone to see your browser history on your computer or phone. In other words, they can see all of the websites you have visited. While you can clear your browsing history, again, it may not be a good idea to do this if your abusive partner is tracking this information. You may also have the option of using Private Browsing, so your searches are not stored, but this is not always completely safe either. As a result, you may want to do your internet searches on a friend’s phone or computer or use computers at local learning centres or libraries instead.
Consider the kind of information you post on social media sites like Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Instagram, etc. Will the information you post cause your partner to become jealous or angry? You might want to avoid posting on these sites. If you do choose to use them, do so anonymously. Create a new email for yourself, and then create a profile using a different name and password that your partner is not aware of. Make the password something complex that they will not be able to guess. Again, this can be dangerous when you are still living with your abuser. It may be safer and easier to limit your use of online tools.
Take pictures of yourself, your children, and your partner frequently so you always have up to date pictures of what you all look like. Email them to yourself or to a friend so they are available even if you don’t have your phone. This can be helpful if anyone goes missing, or if you need to let police or others know who to look for.
Remember that if you allow anyone to take nude or sexualized pictures of you, you have very little control of what might happen to those pictures. If they are on your phone, they could easily be sent to someone else. If you agree to text them to your partner, you have no control over who else they send them to. They may use this to try and force you into doing something you don’t want to do, or to prevent you from leaving.

Staying safe after you leave

Once you leave, you will want to make your online presence anonymous so that you are not easily identified. Start by creating a new email address. It should not include your real name. Before you start using it, try emailing yourself at your new address to make sure it is not displaying your real name to anyone who receives it. Only give out your new email address to trusted contacts.
Change all of your passwords (or set them up if you didn’t use them before) on your phone, social media accounts, computer, etc. Make sure it is a strong password that contains a mixture of letters, numbers, and characters, and that it won’t be easily guessed by others. For devices that offer two-step authentication (where you enter a password and then are texted a second code number to access your account), use this feature.
You may even want to create new social media accounts using your new email address. When setting up your account, be sure to use a name that doesn’t identify you. Don’t use photos of yourself or photos that could be easily associated with you (e.g., your pets, your children, your family members, etc.).
Set your social media accounts to private (friends only) and be very careful when adding friends so that your abuser doesn’t have access through a mutual friend.
Don’t allow people to tag photos of you on their social media pages. This could give away your activities and location.
Periodically do a “Google” search on your name to see if anything has been posted online about you that you weren’t aware of.
Avoid using “assistant” devices like Google Home, Alexa, and Siri.
Check your privacy and security settings regularly.
Save, take photos, record and screen shot harassing and threatening texts, messages and emails.

How to Turn off Location Services

Although you can choose which apps you want to have access to your location, it is safest to turn off Location Services completely in your phone. This will prevent apps such as your camera from posting your location if you post a photo and will also make it difficult for your abuser to figure out where you are.

To turn off Location Services in an iPhone:

Tap on Settings
Tap on Privacy
Tap Location Services
Tap the button at the top next to Location Services to turn it off.

To turn off Location in an Android phone:

Tap on Settings
Tap on either Connections or Privacy depending on the model of phone you have.
Tap Location.
Tap the button at the top next to Location to turn it off.

How to Change Notification Settings

Notifications that pop up on your phone can reveal personal information because it may show the first few lines of a text message or email to anyone who happens to see your phone. You can set it so it notifies you of messages without giving a preview of the content.

To turn off Location Services in an iPhone:

Tap on Settings
Tap on Notifications
Tap Show Previews
Tap Never

To turn off Location in an Android phone:

Tap on Settings
Tap on Apps & Notifications
Tap Notifications.
Tap the gear icon on the top right
Tap the ‘On the lock screen’ option
Select ‘Hide sensitive notification content”