Safety

in Rural Areas

If you live in a remote area or a small community, there are some extra things to keep in mind when you’re creating a safety plan.

1. IT MAY TAKE THE POLICE A LONG TIME TO GET TO YOU.

If you call the police, get to a safe place to wait for them to arrive. You may want to go to the home of a trusted friend or neighbor, or to a public place you think is safe.
If you decide to leave the abuser, think about leaving your area, at least for a little while. Think about it even if you get a protective order.

2. A LOT OF TIMES, THERE AREN’T ANY TAXIS, OR OTHER TYPES OF TRANSPORTATION AVAILABLE NEAR WHERE YOU LIVE, AND THE ABUSER MAY KEEP YOU FROM USING THE CAR. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO A CAR, AND YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOME TO STAY SAFE, YOU MAY WANT TO:

Make a plan with a trusted friend who can give you a ride whenever you need one.
See if your local RCMP can help escort you out of the home to get to a safe place.
See if any local churches can connect you with someone who would be willing to drive you.
Talk with a domestic violence advocate, shelter worker, wellness worker or Victim Services to see if their organization can provide you with transportation when needed. If not, the advocate may be able to help you make a plan to get a ride when you need one.

3. IF YOU LIVE IN A COMMUNITY WHERE HUNTING IS COMMON, THE ABUSER IS MORE LIKELY TO HAVE GUNS AND OTHER WEAPONS IN THE HOME (OR HAVE ACCESS TO THEM) THAN AN ABUSER WHO LIVES IN A CITY.

Know where guns, knives, and other weapons are. If you can, lock them up or make them as hard to get to as possible.
Figure out “safe places” in your home – the places where there aren’t weapons. If it looks like the abuser is about to hurt you, try to get to a safe place. Stay out of the kitchen, garage, workshop or other areas where there are weapons within arm’s reach.

4. IF YOU LIVE, WORK AND/OR SPEND TIME IN ISOLATED AREAS WHERE NEIGHBORS AND PASSERSBY CANNOT SEE OR HEAR WHAT IS GOING ON, THIS COULD INCREASE YOUR DANGER LEVEL.

Try to stay away from isolated areas whenever you can. (We recognize that if you live or work in a remote area, there may not be an easy way to change this.)
Travel in groups whenever possible. If you can, have someone in charge of paying attention to safety and what’s going on around you.
Consider leaving the area, at least for a little while. Consider doing so even if you get a court order.
Carry a cell phone if you can, but don’t count on it too much. Cell phones may not get good service in some places, and batteries do run out. Have emergency numbers like 911 on speed dial.

5. SAFE PLACES, LIKE A FRIEND’S HOUSE OR A SHELTER, MAY BE FAR AWAY.

If you have access to a car, try to always have a full tank of gas in case you need to get to a far-away place in a hurry.
Keep cold weather clothing (like a hat, scarf, and jacket) in an easy-to-reach place for you and your children, so that you can quickly have access to them if you need to flee. If you can, keep them in your car.
Be aware of where neighbors live along the road in case you ever need to pull the car over and run to a neighbor for help.

6. IF YOUR COMMUNITY IS VERY SMALL, PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN YOUR AREA MAY KNOW WHERE THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTER IS. IN OTHER WORDS, THE SHELTER LOCATION MAY NOT BE CONFIDENTIAL.

Be aware that the abuser and other people may know where the shelter is and so you cannot let your guard down when entering and exiting the shelter.
Think about going to a shelter outside of the area where you live, even if it’s only for a little while.
If you go to a local shelter, you may want to cover your car with protective car-cover. This can help keep the abuser and other people from seeing your car from the street while it is parked in the parking lot.

7. THE ABUSER MAY BE WELL-KNOWN AND WELL-LIKED IN THE COMMUNITY AND MAY BE IN A POSITION OF POWER.

Try to speak with a neutral and trusted friend or family member and make a plan to leave with him/her if you feel unsafe calling the police.
Although gathering and keeping evidence of the abuse, including text messages, pictures, and emails, is important in any situation, it may be even more important in situations in which the abuser is in a position of power within the community. In small communities where the abuser may be well-known and/or highly regarded, others in the community may put more weight on the abuser’s word over yours; having tangible (concrete) proof of the abuse may help to prove your allegations.

Safety Tips

for Stalking Victims

Here are some suggestions on how to keep yourself safe if you are being stalked or harassed. A stalker can be someone with whom you are/were in a relationship, or it can be a co-worker, acquaintance or anyone else. These are general suggestions that may not be appropriate in every situation – please pick and choose the ones that seem relevant to your situation. Following these suggestions can’t guarantee your safety, but it could help make you safer.

General safety strategies:

If it’s safe to do so, stop all contact and communication with the person stalking or harassing you but keep any evidence of the stalking (such as voicemails, texts, emails, etc.) for future court cases or criminal actions. If it’s not safe to stop all communication, you may want to limit them as much as possible.
Carry a cell phone with you. Keep handy or memorize emergency phone numbers that you can use in case of an emergency. If you ever feel you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable for any reason, you may want to reach out for help, even if nothing immediately dangerous is happening.
Have a safe place in mind to go to in an emergency. You might go to a police station, place of worship, public area, the home of a family member or friend (unknown to the stalker), or a shelter. If someone is following you, it is generally not a good idea to go home.
Try not to travel alone. If you run or walk for exercise, you might want to get an exercise buddy to go with you. Always try to vary your routes to and from work or school, the grocery store, and any other places regularly visited. By changing your daily routes, it could make it more difficult for someone to learn your routine – also be aware that a stalker may put a GPS monitoring device on your car or cell phone. One hint that a GPS device may be installed is if you are varying your routes or going to unexpected places, but the stalker still seems to find you.
Be aware of how much identifying information you are posting on the Internet through social networking sites and online purchases. You may want to select the highest security settings on any social networking accounts and think carefully before giving out your personal information through online purchases.

Safety at home:

Alert your friends, neighbors, and building personnel (if you live in an apartment or work in an office building) about your situation. Give them as much information as you can about the stalker, including a photograph of him/her, and a description of any vehicles she/he/they may drive. Ask them to notify you or call the police if they see the stalker at your house.
Keep your address confidential whenever possible. When giving a mailing address for bills, magazines, and shipments, consider using a post office box or an address unknown to the stalker (such as a relative of yours). Not using your actual address whenever possible could make it harder for a potential stalker to find you on the Internet.
Tell friends and neighbors not to give your address or phone number to anyone. Explain that they should not even give information to someone posing as a delivery person or mail carrier even if this person says she/he/they has a package for you – this could be the stalker.
If you live in an apartment, don’t put your name on the list of tenants on the front of your apartment building. Use a variation of your name that only your friends and family would recognize.
Identify escape routes out of your house. Plan different routes in case the stalker is in front of your home, in the backyard, or if she/he/they enters the home.
Pack a bag with important items you’d need if you had to leave quickly, such as a reserve set of credit cards, identification, money, medication, important papers, keys, and other valuables. Put the bag in a safe place or give it to a friend or relative you trust. Consider, too, putting together a separate bag that includes the stalking log, a camera, information about the offender, etc., that you can easily grab if you have to leave the house in a hurry.
Install solid core doors with dead bolts at your house or apartment (solid core doors are sturdier than hollow doors). If all of your sets of keys cannot be accounted for, you may want to change the locks (and secure the spare keys) in case the stalker managed to get a set of your keys. If you are being stalked by a person who lives with you, check with a lawyer before changing your locks. Fix any broken windows or doors and consider getting an alarm system put in. Note: If you rent your apartment/house, you may have to get the landlord’s approval before making changing the locks, putting in an alarm, etc.
Get a new, unlisted phone number and/or block your phone number. If you are getting unwanted phone calls, you may want to change your phone number and keep it unlisted. For additional safety, you may also want to ask the phone company to block your number, so it won’t show up on calls you make. Please be aware that blocking is not 100% effective and programming glitches can sometimes mistakenly reveal blocked numbers

Safety at work and school:

Tell co-workers, schoolmates and on-site security staff enough about your situation so that they can help keep your information private and help keep you safe. Give them as much information that you are comfortable sharing about the stalker, including a photograph of him/her, and a description of any vehicles she/he/they may drive. Ask them to notify you or call the police if they see him/her.
Tell co-workers and schoolmates not to give out any information about you to anyone. Ask the school administrator or the office staff at your job to make a notation in your file so that this is clear to any new staff members who have access to your personnel files.
If you have a car, always park in a well-lit area. Ask a security guard at work or school to walk you to your car or, if you are taking public transportation at a nearby location, perhaps the security guard may even walk you to the nearest bus stop

Legal options / documenting the stalker’s activities:

For many people, reporting all incidents and threats to the police immediately is an important part of staying safe. (However, for some people, this may not be a safe alternative.) When making reports to the police, keep a note of the name of the officer in charge of the case and the crime reference number, if applicable. You can also ask for a copy of the police report that is filed.
Create a stalking log, which records the date and time of each incident as the incidents occur, what the stalker did or said, what actions, if any, you took and who was present. Ask witnesses to write down what they saw and get the witnesses’ contact information (name and phone number) in case you need the police to later talk to the witness.
Save evidence of stalking and online harassment. Keep all voicemails, text and email messages sent by the stalker. You can get hard copies of text messages by forwarding them to an email address and printing them out or you may be able to take a screenshot of the text or email. If you cannot take screenshots on your phone (if you don’t have a smart phone), another option may be to take actual photos or videos of the cell phone screen with the text message on it. If you don’t have a camera, you could take the phone to the police and ask them to photograph the text messages or document them in another way. Some people may be inclined to try to show the messages to the judge on the actual phone, but this may mean that the phone itself may be taken into evidence and kept during the court proceedings, thereby taking the phone away from you.
Consider getting a protective order against the person stalking you. See our section on protective orders. However, please remember even restraining orders do not always prevent stalking from escalating into violence. Continue planning for your safety in other ways as well.

Safety When an

Abuser Gets Out of Jail

No one deserves to be abused. Unfortunately, the risk of danger does not always end after the abuser has served his/her/their sentence. You may still need to take steps to keep yourself safe once the abuser gets out of jail.

Why would an abuser be released from jail or prison?

Knowing if the abuser is still incarcerated and when she/he/they is scheduled to be released is an important part of staying safe. After the abuser is arrested, there are a few different reasons why the abuser can be released from custody.

1. IF THE ABUSER IS BEING HELD IN JAIL WHILE THE CHARGES ARE PENDING, SHE/HE/THEY CAN BE RELEASED IF SHE/HE/THEY:

a. has posted bail or bond.

b. has been arraigned and “released on his/her/their own recognizance,” which means without having to pay bail or bond.

c. a plea agreement has been reached before a trial is held, where the outcome is that the abuser is placed on probation, gets a suspended sentence, or there is some other outcome rather than being sentenced to jail or prison time; or

d. the charges have been dropped.

2. IF THE ABUSER IS IN JAIL OR PRISON AFTER HAVING BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME, SHE/HE/THEY CAN BE RELEASED IF SHE/HE/THEY:

a. completes his/her/their sentence.

b. is released on parole or probation; or has appealed the conviction to a higher court and the conviction is reversed or overturned.

Do I need to file for a restraining order?

A restraining order can help protect you once the abuser gets out of jail. However, it’s possible that you may already have one based on the criminal conviction. When someone has been criminally charged with harming another person, the criminal court judge might issue a criminal restraining order even if you didn’t ask for one. A criminal restraining order will usually last as long as the criminal charges are pending, and the judge thinks it is needed to keep the victim safe. If the abuser is convicted of a crime, then the restraining order might be extended for some period of time as part of the sentence. However, if the abuser is not convicted, either because she/he/they is acquitted or the charges are dropped, then usually the judge will also cancel the restraining order.

When a criminal restraining order is issued, it should be mailed to you or given to you by the RCMP. However, if you never received the order or if you do not know if there is a criminal restraining order in place in your case, you can contact the court clerk at the court that heard the criminal case to see if there is one on file. Whether or not the judge in the criminal case issues a criminal restraining order, someone who experienced abuse may be able to file for a restraining or other court order. See our section on protection orders.

What does it mean if the abuser is released on probation or parole?

As part of the criminal justice process, the abuser could end up on either probation or parole. These are similar concepts but come about in different ways.

PROBATION is monitoring that occurs as part of the initial sentencing process after a guilty plea or conviction. An abuser might be sentenced to probation rather than incarceration or in addition to incarceration. When an abuser is on probation, she/he/they will be supervised by the probation department in the area where she/he/they lives. This usually means checking in with an assigned probation officer and following certain conditions of probation.

PAROLE occurs when an abuser is sentenced to incarceration for committing the crime and then is released from prison early. Most people sentenced to prison do not serve the full sentence. When someone is in prison, there are certain dates scheduled along the way where a person will be eligible for parole. A parole hearing is held and decides whether or not the prisoner should be released, based on a variety of factors. The prisoner’s behavior in prison and the severity of crime are a few examples. The victim may be able to testify at the parole hearing and explain why she/he/they does or does not want the prisoner released. If the prisoner is released on parole, then she/he/they will be on parole for the duration of his/her/their sentence. Similar to probation, the abuser will be assigned a parole officer who will keep tabs on the abuser.

When an abuser is on probation or parole, there are conditions she/he/they has to follow that allow him/her to stay out of prison or jail. If the abuser violates these conditions, she/he/they will usually be brought back before the judge who will decide the consequences of the violation. Some common conditions of parole/ probation are:

no use of drugs or alcohol.
keeping or looking for a job.
attending drug and alcohol or anger management classes.
no contact with the victim.
not spending time with other criminals

If the abuser violates one of the terms of his/her/their parole or probation, you may be able to contact his/ her/their parole or probation officer to report the violation. The officer will then decide whether to arrest the abuser and bring him/her/they before the judge for further action. However, before contacting the probation or parole officer, please consider your safety.

Abusive Person is Not Your Partner

Planning for Safety when the

Family violence is not limited to spouses and partners. Other types of family violence that can take place may include the abuse of elders and abuse between siblings or other adults who live together but are not in an intimate relationship.

Many of the suggestions around safety planning listed earlier in this resource apply no matter who is being abused. However, this section will include some additional information specific to abusive situations between family members or adults who are not spouses or partners

Elder Abuse:

Elders often know and trust the person who is abusing them. The abuse can take many forms including:

Physical (hitting, pushing, shaking, burning, shoving, over or under medicating, inappropriate restraints
Psychological (insults, threats, intimidation, humiliation, treating them like a child, isolating them from family and friends
Financial abuse (misusing or stealing property or money, cashing cheques without permission, forging signatures, pressuring the elder to change a will or sign legal documents they don’t understand, living in the elder’s home without paying their fair share of expenses)
Neglect (failure to provide adequate water, food, shelter, clothing, medical attention, assistance with basic necessities)

Elders may find it difficult to leave an abusive family member, especially if they find it hard to live on their own. They may have mobility issues, or they may be experiencing problems with their memory and be unable to look after themselves.

If you are an Elder and feel you are being abused, don’t be afraid to reach out to friends or caregivers to find someone who can help you get to a safer place. If your abuser is your child or grandchild, you may feel that you shouldn’t leave them. However, you deserve to live in safety. The abuse is not your fault, and it is very important to get away from them if you can. If your abuser is a young person, you may be able to find another family member who is in a better position to take them in.

Abuse Between Other Family Members or Adults

Abuse can happen to anyone. It definitely occurs more often between people in intimate relationships, but it can also occur between roommates, siblings, or any adults living together. If the person who is abusing you is not a family member, you can still go through the steps suggested here to protect yourself and/or leave your abuser. You may not have as many issues to work out in terms of property and custody around children, but you can still obtain legal assistance to keep yourself safe and keep what belongs to you.

But if I leave, what about the others who are left with the abuser?

Leaving an abusive roommate is one thing. But what if you have been living in a situation where you choose to leave but other family members aren’t able to leave with you? What if the abuser continues to hurt them?

This can make it hard on you for sure. You are likely going to feel some guilt over leaving, but that is not a reason to stay in an unsafe situation. It is quite likely that by leaving, you are showing the other family members that it is possible for them to leave too. If you are in a safer place, you may be able to be the person who helps them leave and can give them a safe place to go to. Although it would be difficult at first, in the long run, you might end up saving them because you DID choose to leave.

Staying Safe in a Violent Home

If you live in Canada, even if you are not a Canadian citizen, you have the right to live in safety. An abusive family member may try to tell you that you have no rights, or that you have to do whatever they tell you to do. They may treat you like a piece of property that they own. This is not true. You have the right to think and speak for yourself, and you have the same rights and freedoms as anyone else in this country. You have the right to be safe. Having said that, there are times when someone must continue to live with their abusive family member. Perhaps they are unable to leave at this time, or they may need to prepare for leaving, and that can take a while. This document is meant to help you learn how you can keep yourself safe while you are living with an abusive person.

Steps for keeping yourself safe

1. TELL SOMEONE

a. The more people who know, the more people can help you.

b. By telling other people, it may make the abusive person realize that others know about their behaviour.

c. If others know, they can help you if you need to escape quickly or need medical assistance.

d. Set up a check in with a friend – preferably daily. If they don’t hear from you every day, they should come and check on you.

e. Set up a code word you can use with people to get them to send help when necessary. If you text the word or use it in a phone call, they will know that you need assistance.

f. Set up a signal that can be seen by a trusted person who lives nearby. Flashing certain lights on and off, leaving an outside light on, hanging something out of a window – any of these could be used to let someone know you are in danger.

g. You may feel embarrassed to tell others that you are being abused, especially if you aren’t able to leave at the moment. Remember, the shame belongs to the abuser, not you. Telling someone could save your life.

2. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING

a. Any time you are abused – whether it is physical, verbal, or emotional abuse – write down notes about what happened.

b. Include the date, time, names of people involved, any witnesses, and details about what happened.

c. As much as possible, keep it factual. At some point in the future, your notes could be used in court.

d. If you receive emails from your abuser, print copies of them or forward them to a trusted friend.

e. If you receive text messages or posts on social media accounts, take screen shots of them and send them to a trusted friend.

f. Take pictures of any injuries to yourself or damage of property, noting the date and time they occurred.

g. Be sure to keep all the information wellhidden or keep it somewhere besides your home

3. PREPARE AND HIDE A SAFETY PACK IN CASE YOU NEED TO LEAVE SUDDENLY

a. A safety pack is an emergency kit of important items to have when fleeing an abuser.

b. It should be stored in a safe place and available when you need to leave quickly.

c. It may need to be stored outside your home with someone you trust (friend, neighbour, trusted professional, shelter worker, etc.)

d. It can be a useful tool to have, but it could also alert your abuser that you are planning to leave, and that could put you in danger. Be very careful preparing and storing/hiding this pack.

e. See the Safety Pack Checklist at the end of this section for information on what to include in your safety pack.

4. PLAN AHEAD FOR VIOLENT EPISODES

a. Choose an escape plan/route and rehearse it – both during daylight and in darkness.

b. Make arrangements with some friends and/ or family members where you might go when violence breaks out in your home.

c. Know where weapons are kept and try to make it more difficult for others to get to them. For example, guns should be kept locked up and ammunition should be locked up in a separate area. d. Pay attention to their moods and behaviour; watch for signs that they are about to become abusive. e. Always keep your phone close by.

5. WHEN YOUR FAMILY MEMBER BECOMES VIOLENT:

a. If you suspect a violent attack may be coming, try to get yourself out of the house

b. Try to avoid conflict in rooms with weapons (kitchen, bathroom, garage)

c. Try to move to a safer room – one with a door or window to outside or a door with a lock

d. If you can’t get away, do what you can to protect yourself. Try making yourself into a smaller target by diving into a corner and curling up into a ball. Protect your face, put arms around each side of your head, and wrap your fingers together. e. Call the RCMP or 911 as soon as you can.

Abusive Person is Not Your Partner

Planning for Safety when the

Choosing to leave an abusive person may seem like the most logical thing to do. In fact, many people wonder why anyone wouldn’t just leave if someone was treating them so badly. Unfortunately, it is never quite as simple as that. There are many things to consider before you can leave, and it can feel overwhelming to even think about it.

Other reasons people hesitate to leave include:

Fear of retaliation – leaving an abusive person can be very dangerous. They may decide to try and stop you by threatening to harm you or other members of your family.
Fear of how others might react – Other people in your life may not believe you, or they may be hurt or angered by your accusations of abuse.
A desire to protect others – many people feel they should protect the feelings of the abuser’s family and friends. For example, if you live with your sister, you may have a very good relationship with her, and you may not want to upset her by leaving due to her abusive husband. You may also worry that her abusive husband will hurt her more if you aren’t there to protect her.
Embarrassment – you may feel embarrassed to admit that you “allowed” the abuse to go on for so long, or maybe you have left before and then gone back. You may even feel ashamed about being abused. This may cause you to think that others won’t support or help you if you leave.
Belief that you can’t make it on your own - Your abuser has likely brought you to a state of very low self-confidence. You have likely been told by your abuser that no one else will take care of you, you are a bad person, etc. After listening to the lies for so long, it can be very hard not to believe them.
You may be physically weak – The negative messages and emotional abuse will impact you physically, just as the physical injuries will. You may have very low energy as a result, making it difficult for you to do what is needed to leave.
Brain injury – if you have been physically assaulted, you may be dealing with symptoms of brain injury including fatigue, depression, anxiety, dizziness, light or sound sensitivity, nausea, headaches, memory problems, attention problems, and lack of focus. This makes it even more difficult to leave. (Please note: If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, you will need strong professional support to help you get away and to help you recover.)

Although it isn’t easy, it is still possible. This section includes information on what you can do before you leave your abusive family member.

Start with a Plan

Tell someone. If you haven’t told anyone yet, it is so important to start by telling someone about what you are going through, so they know to watch for when you need help.
Contact professionals to help create your plan. It’s great to talk to friends and family, but you need to speak with people who will have the knowledge to help you create your plan for leaving.
Contact Victim Services, a family violence shelter, and/or the RCMP. These organizations are experienced in family violence situations, and they can give you the best advice on how to go about leaving and what supports are available for you once you leave.

Create a Contact List

Create a list of people and organizations where you can get assistance with carrying out your plan to leave
Include names of people in your life that you will need to notify when you leave
Include organizations that can provide help with income and housing assistance
Include names of safe places you might go if you need to leave in a hurry
Be sure to keep this list well-hidden so your abusive family member does not see it.
Fill out the contact list provided at the end of this section.

Prepare and hide a safety pack

A safety pack is an emergency kit of important items to have when fleeing an abuser.
It should be stored in a safe place and available when you need to leave quickly.
It may need to be stored outside your home with someone you trust (friend, neighbour, trusted professional, shelter worker, etc.)
It can be a useful tool to have, but it could also alert your abuser that you are planning to leave, and that could put you in danger. Be very careful preparing and storing/hiding this pack.
See the Safety Pack Checklist in the section of this binder called Staying Safe in a Violent Home for information on what to include in your safety pack.

Take care of financial matters

In many abusive relationships, the abusive family member controls all the finances. They may have all of the household bills in their name only. They may have the title of property you own in their name only. In the case of an elder, an abusive child or grandchild or caregiver may have a Power of Attorney giving them complete access to your finances. This can make it challenging for you to leave.
If it is possible to do so before you leave, try to get accounts for things like utility bills switched so they have both of your names on them. This may make it easier for you to get accounts set up in your name only after you leave, without having to pay utility deposit fees.
Before you leave, it is also important that you have your own bank account in your name only. You can open a bank account without having a job or a lot of money. Most banks will ask you to deposit something, but even $5.00 is enough. You will need some ID, and you can either go to a bank in person or in most cases, open the account online.
Be sure to opt out of paper statements so they aren’t being mailed to your home. Don’t tell others about the account either. This will help ensure that your family member doesn’t learn about it.
Start setting aside any money that you can and keep it well hidden. If your purchases are mostly controlled by your abuser, there are a few things that you might be able to do to get your hands on cash without them knowing. ○ Fill a friend’s vehicle with gas or pay for their groceries using a debit or credit card to pay. Have the friend reimburse you in cash. ○ When you buy groceries, try to get small amounts of cash back (unless your abuser looks at each grocery receipt). ○ If you are able, buy $20 or $50 gift cards – preferably something general like a pre-paid credit card - at the grocery store while shopping and set them aside for yourself for later

Online and Cellphone Safety

If your abuser has been closely watching your activity online and on your cellphone, you will need to be very careful as you prepare to leave.
You may be tempted to turn off tracking methods such as location services or the Find My feature on your phone, but it is best to wait until after you have left before you do this.
Do not text any of your plans to people or post anything about your plans on social media accounts. Even if your abuser has not paid much attention to your online and cellphone activity up to now, they may decide to check on it if they start realizing things are changing.
See the section on Online and Cellphone Safety elsewhere in this guide for more information.

Planning Your Exit Strategy

After talking with the staff at Victim Services, a family violence shelter, and/or the RCMP, start to plan your exit strategy.
Decide where you will go when you leave. The most dangerous time frame is just after you have left, so be sure to have solid plans for a safe place to stay.
Learn your abuser’s schedule so you know when you can leave safely while they are not at home.
If you drive, keep the car filled with gas and an extra set of keys hidden from your abuser.
Be sure you have your safety pack prepared and your contact list filled out and ready to go
Plan to take some snacks that can be eaten on the run if you will have to travel – granola bars, pudding cups, juice boxes, etc. Once you leave, it is not safe to stop even to grab a meal from a drive-through restaurant.
Shortly before you leave, you might consider trying to throw them off your trail. Call places to stay in a community a long way from where you actually plan to go.
Make plans for someone to take care of your pets when you leave. It is quite likely that you won’t be able to take them with you when you first leave, and abusers may threaten to harm the pets to try and force you to return. Some communities have an animal shelter that will take care of them for you in this type of situation.

After You Leave

Leaving an abusive person is a very big step. It is also the most dangerous time for you. Your abuser is likely to be extremely upset by what they see as a loss of their “property”. Remember that they tend to take great pride in their ability to manipulate and control you. They are going to be very angry about losing you, so it is a time when you need to be very careful. Statistics show that whether they have threatened to kill you once or hundreds of times, there is an equal likelihood that they will attempt to follow through with that threat.

It is also good to remember what great actors they can be. They may try to manipulate you with tears, threats, and guilt. They may plead with you and promise to do better. But you have heard all that many times before. Don’t be fooled. They don’t mean a word of any of it.

Stopping Contact

Ideally, you should stop all contact with your abuser. You may have obtained an Emergency Protection Order or one of the longer lasting orders that keep the abuser from contacting you, but you will also need to ensure that you aren’t contacting them. This means no phone calls, no visits to their home or workplace, no texts, no posts, or communication through social media. This can be very difficult to do. Any opportunity they get to try and convince you to come back will be used for that purpose. As much as possible, try to ensure that you do not respond to any of their attempts to contact you, make an effort to prevent them from contacting you (by blocking phone numbers, unfriending them on social media, etc.,) and do not initiate contact with them. You are better off to leave any messages that you need to send up to your lawyer. If you need to go back to your home for something, ask the police to take you there.

Court Orders for Safety

If you have left your abuser (or they have left the home), you may want to get a legal order that prohibits them from having contact with you. There are several options. Speak with a lawyer to find out which would be best for you.

Restraining Order

This is similar to a Peace Bond, but it is civil (non-criminal) rather than criminal. In other words, someone who has not committed a crime could still be stopped from contacting you. It does not require proof of a violent relationship or incident.
This type of order can be given to forbid your abusive family member from contacting except as permitted under the Order. It can also forbid them to attend at your workplace or your home. It may include other orders such as a requirement to surrender any weapons to the police and forbid them from possessing certain property.
These orders usually last for 3 months or even longer, if the judge feels it is necessary.
Changes and/or renewals of these orders require another visit to court.
Both you and your abuser must attend court unless the judge feels that it is an emergency situation. Although your lawyers will likely do most of the talking, the judge may ask you and/or the abusive family member to share your stories.
If your abuser does not participate in the hearing, the Order is not effective until they get a copy of the Order.
If they disobey the restraining order, they may be arrested.
A Restraining Order issued in the Northwest Territories is only applicable to the Northwest Territories.

Peace Bond

This is a longer-term court order under the Criminal Code that sets conditions on the abuser. That means that if you believe someone is likely to injure you or a family member, you could be granted a peace bond. A Peace Bond can be issued for someone who you are not living with or who is not a member of your family.
They may be forbidden to see you, write to you, or call you. They may also be ordered to abstain from using non-prescription drugs or alcohol and may be forbidden from owning weapons, as well as other conditions the court considers necessary to prevent harm. These orders may last up to one year.
If they disobey the order, police may arrest them. Breaching any condition of a peace bond is a criminal offence, and a conviction carries a maximum sentence of up to 4 years imprisonment.
If your abuser consents to the peace bond, there will be no need for a court hearing. If they do not consent, both you and your abuser will need to go to court for this. Although your lawyers will likely do most of the talking, the judge may ask you and/or the abusive family member to share your stories.
A Peace Bond applies anywhere in Canada. Note: As much as any of these orders can be helpful in keeping you safe, they are not a perfect solution. They may be difficult to enforce, especially in smaller, more remote communities. Keep in mind that Protection Orders, Restraining Orders, and Peace Bonds may take several weeks to get processed. Be sure to start on applying for one soon after you get your Emergency Protection Order so you can remain legally protected for a longer period of time.

Other Legal Options

Of course, your safety is going to be your first priority. Then there are other issues to be resolved such as your right to your property, money, etc. Often when someone leaves an abusive person, they do so with mainly just the clothing on their backs and not much else. You will most likely need to get a lawyer to assist you with getting all of these other issues resolved.

1. LEGAL AID

In the Northwest Territories, the Legal Aid Commission offers a free outreach program that provides limited, confidential legal information or advice. These Outreach Legal Aid Clinics will give you up to three free hours of assistance, but they cannot represent you in court. This service is available to anyone, regardless of their income.
Full service legal aid is available for matters regarding division of property.
In order to qualify for full-service legal aid, you must meet the financial eligibility requirements.
To apply for legal aid, you must make an appointment with one of the legal aid offices in Yellowknife, or with a community court worker in your community (or wherever the closest one is located).
For more information, check the website at www.justice.gov.nt.ca/legal-aid

Online and Cellphone Safety

Once you have left your abuser, it is ideal to use a completely different cell phone (or at least a new sim card) and to set up a completely new email address, preferably one that does not identify you by name.
Use the new email address to set up new accounts online, including any social media accounts if you plan to use it.
If you need to keep your location hidden from your abuser, it is best to stay off social media accounts. It can be so easy to accidentally reveal your location through posts and pictures – even ones that other friends post of you and/or your children.
Please see the section on Online and Cellphone Safety in this binder for more detailed information.

Income Assistance

After leaving an abusive person, you may not have a lot of income. It could be that you are retired or unable to work. Whatever the case, you may be in need of income assistance, especially when you first leave. The GNWT provides Income Assistance for people impacted by family violence. There are Client Service Officers who will see you very quickly after you first contact an Education, Culture, & Employment (ECE) Service Centre. You can contact them by calling toll free 1 (867) 768-8149. There is some documentation required, but you can get access to the income assistance before you provide all the documentation. You do need to get them the documentation, but you have one month to do so. In order to get this Income Assistance, the following conditions need to be met:

Proof (a statutory declaration form) that you are no longer living with your abuser. This form must be completed in front of a Commissioner for Oaths, a Notary Public, or a Justice of the Peace.
Proof that you have been impacted by family violence. This might be done by a referral to the RCMP, a visit to a doctor or nurse, counsellor, a family violence shelter, etc.
Information – includes basic contact and identification information, education and employment history, reason for your application, current monthly income, maintenance orders, estimated value of your assets (property), and other financial information.
While collecting Income Assistance, you are required to participate in a “productive choice”. This might include employment, education, traditional activities, caring for your children or grandchildren, wellness programs, career planning, or even volunteering.

What Will Income Assistance Pay For?

Food
Accommodation (rent, room & board, or a mortgage payment)
Power, water, & sewer costs
A fuel allowance
A childcare allowance
Additional money if you are disabled or if you are over 60 years of age.

In order to get accommodation costs covered, you must be on a waiting list for public (subsidized) housing. If you have arrears with public housing, you will not be considered for the waiting list until you sign and honour a repayment plan for a minimum of six months.

Long-term Housing

You may have left and gone directly to a family violence shelter, where you can stay for up to 6 weeks. But whether you went there or to a friend’s house to stay, you are going to need a new home to call your own. There are a number of challenges around this, but you may have a number of options to try as well.

1. GET THE ABUSER TO LEAVE YOUR HOME SO YOU CAN MOVE BACK THERE.

This could be difficult to do, but in some cases, you can apply for a protection order (as detailed earlier in this section) and ask the judge to include an order that allows you to stay in the home and orders the abusive family member not to go there, while still requiring them to help pay for the cost of living in the home. If you have a lease with the Local Housing Organization, you can apply to the local rental officer and ask to have the joint lease terminated and switched into your name only.

2. IF YOU WERE JOINTLY RENTING A HOME FROM A PRIVATE LANDLORD, YOU CAN TRY TO GET YOUR ABUSER REMOVED FROM THE LEASE AND TRY TO PAY THE RENT ON YOUR OWN.

This may require an assignment agreement, where your abuser essentially signs over the lease to you. For this to happen, you have to have lived in the rental unit for at least 6 months, and you, your abuser, and the landlord must sign the agreement.

It is possible to apply for funds under the Transitional Rent Supplement Program to help cover costs if you are living in private market housing. There are some conditions attached to this, and it will only last for two years, but it might be worth checking into. You can apply by contacting one of the district offices of the NWT Housing Corporation, or by emailing NWTHC_TRSP@gov.nt.ca.

These are the conditions:

You must have a current lease with a private landlord
You must be 19 years or older
You must have lived in the NWT for more than one year
You cannot be on income assistance
You cannot have rental arrears with the Local Housing Organization
Within the first six months of receiving the subsidy, you must take a Financial Skills 1 – Budgeting course.

3. IF YOUR NAME WAS ON A LEASE, AND NOW YOU WANT YOUR NAME REMOVED SO YOU CAN MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE, YOU MAY APPLY TO THE RENTAL OFFICER FOR A TERMINATION OF YOUR TENANCY AGREEMENT IF YOU HAVE A PROTECTION ORDER OR OTHER ORDER INDICATING THAT YOUR ABUSER COMMITTED FAMILY VIOLENCE. TO REACH THE NWT RENTAL OFFICER, CALL (867) 920-8047.WHAT IF YOU HAVE RENTAL ARREARS?

A rental hearing will be held with the NWT Rental Officer, and it is extremely important that you attend this hearing.
Both you and your abuser are responsible for the arrears if both your names were on the lease.
You can use a portion of your monthly Income Assistance to pay off the arrears.
Some charitable organizations may be willing to help you out.
You may seek a referral to the ‘Homelessness Assistance Fund (HAF). This fund may cover arrears up to $3,000.00 and is a one-time-only deal. You can call the NWT Housing Corporation to apply for this fund. (867)- 920-3277.

4. APPLY TO LYNN’S PLACE IN YELLOWKNIFE

Lynn’s Place is a longer-term, transitional shelter for women and their children only.
This option offers two 3-bedroom and ten 2-bedroom apartments, and 6 bed-sitting units at slightly less than market rates.
You can live here for between 24 and 36 months after moving into Lynn’s Place.
There are a number of conditions that must be met in order to apply for housing at Lynn’s Place. Contact them at (867)-873-6170 to learn more.

Staying Safe Away from Home

Depending on how your abusive family member reacts after you leave, it may be wise to take precautions when you are away from home. This section includes guidelines on staying safe at work or when out in public. This will include efforts to prevent being harassed or harmed by your abuser, especially if they are not to have any contact with you.

Safety Tips

for Stalking Victims

Caring for Your Physical & Mental/Emotional Health

Emotional Health

Leaving an abusive partner is not easy. Aside from the danger you may face and the lack of confidence that comes from not knowing how you will survive on your own, you can expect to experience a range of different emotions. That’s ok. Just feel them as they come up and know that this is completely normal. Eventually you WILL get through this and start to feel much better. If you feel like you aren’t improving, don’t be afraid to talk to someone like a doctor or a therapist.

You may experience…

GRIEF – This may seem odd since you just left a situation where you were being abused, but you do need to grieve the “death” of your relationship. You may feel sad because you still love your partner, and you may miss the good times that you had. You may feel sad because you lost a relationship you thought would be good. Grief doesn’t have to make sense, and there is nothing wrong with feeling sad that your relationship ended, no matter what the reason.

EUPHORIA/RELIEF – After getting out of an abusive relationship, it is normal to feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders. This feeling can last for quite a while after you leave, but don’t be surprised if at some point it is replaced with a feeling of grief or anger or depression.

ANGER – You have likely spent a great deal of time pushing down your anger throughout the relationship, so when you leave, don’t be surprised if you feel awash with anger. You may feel more anger than you have ever felt before. That’s ok. It is safe for you to feel and express your anger now. Just be sure to do it in a safe and responsible way. Don’t take it out on the others around you, and don’t waste it on revenge. Use that anger to give yourself power and motivation for a better life.

ANXIETY – The time just after you leave can be one of the most dangerous times of all. You are most likely going to be concerned about keeping yourself and your children safe, and it is natural to feel anxiety about that until you can get into a safer location or situation. But there is another reason you may feel anxious. You are leaving a relationship where you had almost no control over your life, and now everything is up to you! Give yourself time to get used to being in charge. Take it one day at a time and ask for help when you need it.

LONELINESS – When you leave your abuser, you may end up with fewer friends to start with. Not everyone will support your choice to leave, and you may also need to move to a different location. This can all lead to feelings of loneliness. Take time to make efforts to meet other people and make new friends. Reach out to people you may have not had much contact with during the time you were living with your abusive family member. Volunteer and get involved in community events to try and spend time with others. It will help combat the loneliness and give you some time with other adults as well.

Symptoms of Grief

As you go through periods of grief, you may experience physical and emotional reactions including:

Problems sleeping (too much or not enough)
Stomach issues – diarrhea or constipation, nausea
Weight gain or loss – some people find comfort in eating; others find it difficult to eat
Feelings of inadequacy and failure
Easily irritated, lack of patience
Difficulty in making decisions
Poor memory and brain fog Be easy on yourself. You are dealing with a very difficult situation, and it will take time for life to get back to normal. Physical exercise can help. Even just going for a walk with a friend can give you a lift. You may not be able to stop these symptoms immediately but knowing what to expect will make it easier for you to understand how and why you are feeling this way.

PHYSICAL HEALTH

When living with an abusive partner, it is not unusual for you to have not visited a doctor for a very long time. Some abusers may be jealous of what they perceive to be another man/woman looking at the body of their partner and may not allow them to go for checkups. Or perhaps you may have been embarrassed to go to a doctor in case they realized that you were being abused. Whatever the reason, it is a good idea to book a full checkup for yourself once you are living on your own.

What is included in a Physical Exam?

Check of your weight, height, and blood pressure
They will ask about any medication you are currently taking
They will ask if you have any issues or symptoms you are worried about.
You may need to disrobe and put a hospital gown on.
The doctor may check your skin for any moles or abnormalities
An internal exam and PAP smear for women, depending on your age
A breast exam for women; a mammogram may also be scheduled
You may be asked to do or schedule some screening tests such as a FIT test to screen for colon cancer, or a bone density scan to check for osteoporosis
You may also be sent for blood and urine tests, depending on your age and health issues

It is best to be honest with your doctor and let them know that you have just left an abusive relationship. You may feel uncomfortable about some of these procedures. Let them know. You can ask for a nurse of the same gender as you to be present in the room during the exam.

Suggestions for Self-care

Let yourself feel your emotions fully. Don’t judge yourself for having them; just acknowledge them as they come, and then let them pass through.
Make time for you. Do what feels nurturing for yourself – have a bath, go for a walk, phone a friend, read a book. You deserve to pamper yourself.
Try to eat small, nutritious meals on a regular basis. Rest when you can, even if you can’t sleep. Exercise to release tension.
Develop a daily routine to bring structure to your life. Get up and go to bed at the same time each day. Try to have meals on a schedule. Develop routines for daily chores.
Set and accomplish goals for yourself each day. Make a list and cross things off as you get them done.
Remember to take things one day at a time. If you are feeling overwhelmed, just pick one thing that you can do right now and leave the rest for tomorrow.
On holidays and special occasions, establish new traditions and customs that you can do. Have a potluck with others, volunteer with a community group, or take a little trip.

Safety Tips

for Stalking Victims

As awful as things were for many abused people, it is not unusual for them to return to living with their abuser. It may seem shocking to outsiders, but it happens quite often. Sometimes people return because they believe it is too dangerous to stay away, either because of threats to themselves or even threats of what will be done to their family members if they don’t return. Other times, enough time passes after the period of abuse that people start to forget just how bad it was. They may even reframe the experience, taking on some of the blame for what happened. The abusive person is a terrific actor, and the charm that they displayed when they first began to ‘groom’ their family members may return as they try to lure them back. In the vast majority of cases, the answer to the question, “Should you go back?” is a resounding NO! Here are some things to consider if you are feeling like perhaps you should return.

IF YOU’RE HOPING YOUR ABUSER WILL CHANGE...

The abuse will probably continue. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. Change only happens once your abuser takes full responsibility for their behaviour, seeks professional help, and stops blaming everything but themselves for their behaviour.

IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN HELP YOUR ABUSER...

It is natural to want to help the person you love. You may feel like you are the only one who truly understands them, or that it’s your responsibility to fix their problems. It is not, and by returning and accepting repeated abuse, you are enabling the behaviour.

IF YOUR ABUSER HAS PROMISED TO STOP THE ABUSE...

IF YOUR ABUSER IS IN COUNSELING...

Even with counseling there is no guarantee that your abuser will change. Some even agree to go through counseling just to convince you to come back to them, but their true goal is to get control over you again. Any decision to return needs to be made based on the person they are now, and not who you hope they will become.

IF YOU ARE WORRED ABOUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T RETURN...

Yes, leaving can be a dangerous step to take. You may be afraid of what your abusive family member will do to you if you refuse to return. It is natural to fear the unknown. But you also know that if you return, it is pretty much guaranteed to be dangerous anyway. So why not give yourself a chance to live in safety and peace? You deserve it!