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Preparing to Leave an

Abusive Partner

Choosing to leave an abusive partner may seem like the most logical thing to do. In fact, many people wonder why anyone wouldn’t just leave if someone was treating them so badly. Unfortunately, it is never quite as simple as that. There are many things to consider before you can leave, and it can feel overwhelming to even think about it. 

Other reasons people hesitate to leave include:

  • Fear of retaliation – leaving an abusive person can be very dangerous. They may decide to try and stop you by threatening to harm you or your family.

  • Fear of how others might react – other people in your life may not believe you, or they may be hurt or angered by your accusations of abuse.

  • A desire to protect others – many people feel they should protect the feelings of the abuser’s family and friends. For example, you may have a very good relationship with your abuser’s parents, and you may not want to upset them by leaving their abusive son.

  • Embarrassment – you may feel embarrassed to admit that you “allowed” the abuse to go on for so long, or maybe you have left before and then gone back. You may even feel ashamed about being abused. This may cause you to think that others won’t support or help you if you leave.

  • Belief that you can’t make it on your own - Your abuser has likely brought you to a state of very low self-confidence. You have likely been told by your abuser that no one else will have you, you are a bad parent, the children need both parents, etc. After listening to the lies for so long, it can be very hard not to believe them. 

  • You may be physically weak – the negative messages and emotional abuse will impact you physically, just as the physical injuries will. You may have very low energy as a result, making it difficult for you to do what is needed to leave.

  • Brain injury – if you have been physically assaulted, you may be dealing with symptoms of brain injury including fatigue, depression, anxiety, dizziness, light or sound sensitivity, nausea, headaches, memory problems, attention problems, and lack of focus. This makes it even more difficult to leave. (Please note: If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, you will need strong professional support to help you get away and to help you recover.)

 

Although it isn’t easy, it is still possible. This section includes information on what you can do before you leave your abusive partner. 

Start with a Plan

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A lot of research has been done on abusive people, and they have many similarities. Here is how to recognize someone who is an abuser.

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  • Tell someone. If you haven’t told anyone yet, it is so important to start by telling someone about what you are going through, so they know to watch for when you need help.

  • Contact professionals to help create your plan. It’s great to talk to friends and family, but you need to speak with people who will have the knowledge to help you create your plan for leaving.

  • Contact Victim Services, a family violence shelter, and/or the RCMP. These organization are experienced in family violence situations, and they can give you the best advice on how to go about leaving and what supports are available for you once you leave.

Start with a Plan

​

A lot of research has been done on abusive people, and they have many similarities. Here is how to recognize someone who is an abuser.

​

  • Tell someone. If you haven’t told anyone yet, it is so important to start by telling someone about what you are going through, so they know to watch for when you need help.

  • Contact professionals to help create your plan. It’s great to talk to friends and family, but you need to speak with people who will have the knowledge to help you create your plan for leaving.

  • Contact Victim Services, a family violence shelter, and/or the RCMP. These organization are experienced in family violence situations, and they can give you the best advice on how to go about leaving and what supports are available for you once you leave.

Create a Contact List

  • Create a list of people and organizations where you can get assistance with carrying out your plan to leave

  • Include names of people in your life that you will need to notify when you leave

  • Include organizations that can provide help with income and housing assistance

  • Include names of safe places you might go if you need to leave in a hurry

  • Be sure to keep this list well-hidden so your abusive partner does not see it.

  • Fill out the contact list provided at the end of this section.

Prepare and hide a safety pack 

  • A safety pack is an emergency kit of important items to have when fleeing an abuser.

  • It should be stored in a safe place and available when you need to leave quickly.

  • It may need to be stored outside your home with someone you trust (Family, friend, neighbour, trusted professional, shelter worker, etc.).

  • It can be a useful tool to have, but it could also alert your abuser that you are planning to leave, and that could put you in danger. Be very careful preparing and storing/hiding this pack.

  • See the Safety Pack Checklist in the section of this binder called Staying Safe in a Violent Home for information on what to include in your safety pack.

Take care of financial matters 

  • In many abusive relationships, the abusive partner controls all the finances. They may have all of the household bills in their name only. They may have the title of property you own in their name only. This can make it challenging for you to leave.

  • If it is possible to do so before you leave, try to get accounts for things like utility bills switched so they have both of your names on them. This may make it easier for you to get accounts set up in your name only after you leave, without having to pay utility deposit fees.

  • Before you leave, it is also important that you have your own bank account in your name only. You can open a bank account without having a job or a lot of money. Most banks will ask you to deposit something, but even $5.00 is enough. You will need some ID, and you can either go to a bank in person or in most cases, open the account online.

  • Be sure to opt out of paper statements so they aren’t being mailed to your home. Don’t tell others about the account either. This will help ensure that your partner doesn’t learn about it.

  • Start setting aside any money that you can and keep it well hidden. If your purchases are mostly controlled by your abuser, there are a few things that you might be able to do to get your hands on cash without them knowing.

    • Fill a friend’s vehicle with gas or pay for their groceries using a debit or credit card to pay. Have the friend reimburse you in cash. ○    When you buy groceries, try to get small amounts of cash back (unless your partner looks at each grocery receipt).

    • If you are able, buy $20 or $50 gift cards – preferably something general like a pre-paid credit card - at the grocery store while shopping and set them aside for yourself for later.

Online and Cellphone Safety 

  • If your abuser has been closely watching your activity online and on your cellphone, you will need to be very careful as you prepare to leave.

  • You may be tempted to turn off tracking methods such as location services or the Find My feature, but it is best to wait until after you have left before you do this.

  • Do not text any of your plans to people or post anything about your plans on social media accounts. Even if your partner has not paid much attention to your online and cellphone activity up to now, they may decide to check on it if they start realizing things are changing.

  • See the section on Online and Cellphone Safety elsewhere in this guide for more information.

Planning Your Exit Strategy 

  • After talking with the staff at Victim Services, a family violence shelter, and/or the RCMP, start to plan your exit strategy.

  • Decide where you will go when you leave. The most dangerous time frame is just after you have left, so be sure to have solid plans for a safe place to stay.

  • Learn your partner’s schedule so you know when you can leave safely while they are not at home.

  • Keep the car filled and an extra set of keys hidden from your partner.

  • Be sure you have your safety pack prepared and your contact list filled out and ready to go

  • Plan to take some snacks that can be eaten on the run if you will have to travel – granola bars, pudding cups, juice boxes, etc. Once you leave, it is not safe to stop even to grab a meal from a drive-through restaurant.

  • Shortly before you leave, you might consider trying to throw them off your trail. Call places to stay, schools, daycare centres, etc., in a community a long way from where you actually plan to go.

  • Make plans for someone to take care of your pets when you leave. It is quite likely that you won’t be able to take them with you when you first leave, and abusers may threaten to harm the pets to try and force you to return. Some communities have an animal shelter that will take care of them for you in this type of situation.

Talking to Your Children 

  • You may not be able to give your children a lot of notice about the need to leave. That will depend to some extent on the age of the children. It may be best to make your plans ahead of time and then tell them just before you leave.

  • When explaining why it was necessary to leave, be honest and direct with them. Denying that there was a problem could make them think that violence is normal and appropriate behaviour. Keep the explanation simple and appropriate to their age level. For example:
    “I know you miss your dad, but we can’t live together. He can’t control his temper, and we left because it wasn’t safe to stay.”

  • It is likely that they will experience a variety of emotions when you move out. This may include

    • Anger

    • Fear

    • Relief

    • Sadness

  • It is important to talk to your children to help them process their feelings. Even more important is allowing them to talk to you when they feel ready to do so. Be there to listen to them and assure them that you want to hear how they are doing.

  • Messages that your children need to hear:

    • It must be scary for you.

    • I’m very sorry you had to see/hear that.

    • There is nothing you could have done to prevent or change things.

    • It’s ok to still love your dad/mom and be angry at them too.

    • I will do my very best to always keep you safe.

What can Victim Services do for you?

 

Victim Services helps victims of crime. They can help you with information on your options for leaving an abusive partner and can provide you with help in developing a safety plan, getting funding, finding a place to go, and dealing with the court system if you need to press charges against your abuser.  Victim Services have offices in Inuvik, Fort Good Hope, Tulita, Fort Simpson, Yellowknife, Behchoko, Hay River, and Fort Smith. They provide the following:

 

Information about: 

  • Shelters, no contact orders, and safety planning

  • Court process

  • Being a witness in court

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Assistance with: 

  • Victim of Crime Emergency Fund Application

  • Going to court/RCMP/hospital/health centre

  • Victim Impact Statements

  • Registration for Victim Notification Programs

 

Referrals for: 

  • Protection, shelter, counselling, and other services to support victims

What can the RCMP do for you?

 

The RCMP should be called when an incidence of abuse has occurred. Their number one priority is safety – that of yours and your children. If you are being abused, call them as soon as you are able.

 

What will they do? 

  • Their first goal is the safety of your family. They may need to separate the parties involved. That could involve taking you to a safe place of your choice, even just for the night to keep you safe, or they might remove the abuser.

  • They will refer you to Victim Services for more assistance in developing a safety plan, accessing a family violence shelter, and for assistance with court if necessary.

  • They will investigate any crimes that may have been committed.

  • They can help you obtain an Emergency Protection Order (EPO) or a Peace Bond.

  • The abuser may be released but with conditions set by a judge or justice of the peace. Every situation is different, so conditions may be different for each person.​

Protection Orders

 

If you have left the your partner (or they have left the home), you may want to get a legal order that stops them from having contact with you and/or the children. There are several options. Speak with a lawyer to find out which would be best for you. 

 

Emergency Protection Order (EPO) 

  • An EPO is issued by a Justice of the Peace and used to provide immediate safety for you and your family. It can last up to 90 days and can order a violent family member to stay away from you.

  • It is only a short-term measure and gives you time to plan what comes next. Once you have an EPO in place, you may want to consider applying for a longer-term order. It is important to do so while the EPO is in effect.

  • Emergency Protection Orders often include conditions such as no contact, not allowing the abuser to own or use weapons, and directing the abuser to stay away from the family home.

  • To apply for an EPO, contact the RCMP or Alison McAteer House in Yellowknife.

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Peace Bond 

  • This is a longer-term court order under the Criminal Code that sets conditions on the abuser. They may be forbidden to see you, write to you, or call you. If they disobey the order, police may arrest them. These orders may last up to one year. Both you and your abuser will need to go to court for this.

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