Should You Go Back to an

Abusive Partner

As awful as things were for many abused people, it is not unusual for them to return to living with their abuser. It may seem shocking to outsiders, but it happens quite often. Sometimes people return because they believe it is too dangerous to stay away, either because of threats to themselves or even threats of what will be done to their family members if they don’t return. Other times, enough time passes after the period of abuse that people start to forget just how bad it was. They may even reframe the experience, taking on some of the blame for what happened. The abusive partner is a terrific actor, and the charm that they displayed when they first began to ‘groom’ their partners may return as they try to lure them back. In the vast majority of cases, the answer to the question, “Should you go back?” is a resounding NO!

Here are some things to consider if you are feeling like perhaps you should return.

IF YOU’RE HOPING YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER WILL CHANGE...

The abuse will probably continue. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. Change only happens once your abuser takes full responsibility for their behaviour, seeks professional help, and stops blaming everything but themselves for their behaviour.

IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN HELP YOUR ABUSER...

It is natural to want to help the person you love. You may feel like you are the only one who truly understands them, or that it’s your responsibility to fix their problems. It is not, and by returning and accepting repeated abuse, you are enabling the behaviour.

IF YOUR PARTNER HAS PROMISED TO STOP THE ABUSE...

Remember what a good actor your abuser was when you lived with them? The tears, begging, pleading, being charming and thoughtful one minute and then raging with anger the next? How many times were you promised before? How many times were those promises broken?

IF YOUR PARTNER IS IN COUNSELLING...

Even with counselling there is no guarantee that your partner will change. Some even agree to go through counselling just to convince you to come back to them, but their true goal is to get control over you again. Any decision to return needs to be made based on the person they are now, and not who you hope they will become.

IF YOU ARE WORRED ABOUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T RETURN...

Yes, leaving can be a dangerous step to take. You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do to you if you refuse to return. It is natural to fear the unknown. But you also know that if you return, it is pretty much guaranteed to be dangerous anyway. So why not give yourself a chance to live in safety and peace? You deserve it!

After You

Leave an Abusive Partner

Leaving an abusive partner is a very big step. It is also the most dangerous time for you. Your partner is likely to be extremely upset by what they see as a loss of their “property” – you, their children, or both. Remember that they tend to take great pride in their ability to manipulate and control you, and they hate not being in a relationship. They are going to be very angry about losing you, so it is a time when you need to be very careful. Statistics show that whether they have threatened to kill you once or hundreds of times, there is an equal likelihood that they will attempt to follow through with that threat. It is also good to remember what great actors they can be. They may try to manipulate you with tears, threats, and guilt. They may plead with you and promise to do better. But you have heard all that many times before. Don’t be fooled. They don’t mean a word of any of it.

Stopping Contact

Ideally, you should stop all contact with your abuser. You may have obtained an Emergency Protection Order or one of the longer lasting orders that keep the abuser from contacting you, but you will also need to ensure that you aren’t contacting them. This means no phone calls, no visits to their home or workplace, no texts, no posts, or communication through social media. This can be very difficult to do – especially if you still have children with this person. Any opportunity they get to try and convince you to come back will be used for that purpose. As much as possible, try to ensure that you do not respond to any of their attempts to contact you, make an effort to prevent them from contacting you (by blocking phone numbers, unfriending them on social media, etc.) and do not initiate contact with them. You are better off to leave any messages that you need to send up to your lawyer. If arrangements need to be made for your partner to see the children, work with your lawyer and the court system to get a custody arrangement made where any visitation is handled through a court-appointed third party. If you need to go back to your home for something, ask the police to take you there.

Court Orders for Safety

If you have left your partner (or they have left the home), you may want to get a court order that prohibits them from having contact with you and/or the children. There are several options. Speak with a lawyer to find out which would be best for you. If you know you want an Emergency Protection Order, contact the Crisis Line at Alison McAteer House or the RCMP. Victim services, a counsellor, local court workers, or the local RCMP can discuss other court orders.

EMERGENCY PROTECTION ORDER (EPO)

An EPO is issued by a Justice of the Peace and used to provide immediate safety for you and your family. It can last up to 90 days and can order a violent family member to stay away from you.
It is only a short-term measure and gives you time to plan what comes next. Once you have an EPO in place, you may want to consider applying for a longer-term order. It is important to do so while the EPO is in effect.
An EPO will include conditions that must be met by the abusive partner. This could include an order for them to have no contact with you or the children, not allowing the abuser to own or use weapons, directing the abuser to stay away from the family home, and other conditions.
To apply for an EPO, contact the RCMP or Alison McAteer House in Yellowknife.
The order does not require the abusive partner to know of or participate in the decision by the Justice of the Peace.
To make a change to an EPO, it must be done by a judge and can take a fair amount of time to be processed.
An EPO issued in the Northwest Territories only works in the Northwest Territories.

PROTECTION ORDER

A Protection Order applies when your immediate situation is not an emergency, or you need protection for longer than 90 days and there are other issues for a court to deal with.
The Protection Order is a Family Court Order and is granted only after you tell a judge why you want this order. Sometimes this may be done without notice to your abuser.
In most cases, the judge will decide whether to make the Order after they read your sworn written statement (affidavit) that gives the reasons why you want this Order.
If your abuser knows you are going to court for this, they can also prepare a sworn written statement (affidavit) for the judge to read and consider.
If your abuser does not participate in the hearing, the Order is not effective until they get a copy of the Order.
A Protection Order can have things in it that an EPO cannot. For example, the judge can order your abuser to go to counselling, to pay for medical and dental costs, to repair or replace items they have destroyed, or pay other costs connected to their violence.
A Protection Order issued in the Northwest Territories only works in the Northwest Territories.

RESTRAINING ORDER

This is similar to a Peace Bond, but it is civil (non-criminal) rather than criminal. In other words, someone who has not committed a crime could still be stopped from contacting you. It does not require proof of a violent relationship or incident.
This type of order can be given to forbid your abusive partner from contacting you and/or your children except as permitted under the Order. It can also forbid them to attend at your workplace, the family home, and/or the children’s school. It may include other orders such as a requirement to surrender any weapons to the police and forbid them from possessing certain property.
These orders usually last for 3 months or even longer, if the judge feels it is necessary.
Changes and/or renewals of these orders require another visit to court.
Both you and your abuser must attend court unless the judge feels that it is an emergency situation. Although your lawyers will likely do most of the talking, the judge may ask you and/or the abusive partner to share your stories.
If your abuser does not participate in the hearing, the Order is not effective until they get a copy of the Order.
If they disobey the restraining order, they may be arrested.
A Restraining Order issued in the Northwest Territories is only applicable to the Northwest Territories.

PEACE BOND

This is a longer-term court order under the Criminal Code that sets conditions on the abuser. That means that if you believe someone is likely to injure you or a family member, you could be granted a peace bond. A Peace Bond can be issued for someone who you are not living with or who is not a member of your family.
They may be forbidden to see you, write to you, or call you. They may also be ordered to abstain from using non-prescription drugs or alcohol and may be forbidden from owning weapons, as well as other conditions the court considers necessary to prevent harm. These orders may last up to one year.
If they disobey the order, police may arrest them. Breaching any condition of a peace bond is a criminal offence, and a conviction carries a maximum sentence of up to 4 years imprisonment.
If your abuser consents to the peace bond, there will be no need for a court hearing. If they do not consent, both you and your abuser will need to go to court for this. Although your lawyers will likely do most of the talking, the judge may ask you and/or the abusive partner to share your stories.
A Peace Bond applies anywhere in Canada.

Note: As much as any of these orders can be helpful in keeping you safe, they are not a perfect solution and they are not a guarantee of safety. They are a legal measure that may be part of your safety plan. They may be difficult to enforce, especially in smaller, more remote communities. Keep in mind that Protection Orders, Restraining Orders, and Peace Bonds may take several weeks to get processed. Be sure to start on applying for one soon after you get your Emergency Protection Order, so you can remain legally protected for a longer period of time.

Other Legal Options

Of course, your safety and that of your children is going to be your first priority. Then there are other issues to be resolved such as custody and access to the children, along with your right to your property, money, etc. Often when someone leaves an abusive relationship, they do so with mainly just the clothing on their backs and not much else. You will most likely need to get a lawyer to assist you with getting all of these other issues resolved.

1. LEGAL AID

In the Northwest Territories, the Legal Aid Commission offers a free outreach program that provides limited, confidential legal information or advice. These Outreach Legal Aid Clinics will give you up to three free hours of assistance, but they cannot represent you in court. This service is available to anyone, regardless of their income.
Full service legal aid is available for matters regarding child support, custody, or access; spousal support; division of property and divorce when related to child support.
In order to qualify for full-service legal aid, you must meet the financial eligibility requirements.
To apply for legal aid, you must make an appointment with one of the legal aid offices in Yellowknife, or with a community court worker in your community (or wherever the closest one is located).
For more information, check the website at www.justice.gov.nt.ca/legal-aid

2. CUSTODY OPTIONS

Normally when a couple decides to separate or divorce, they work together to determine who will have custody. That is, which parent will make major decisions on behalf of the children. There can be options for sole custody where one parent makes all decisions, or joint custody where both parents work together to make decisions.
In a situation where one parent has left an abusive parent, things may be handled slightly differently. The goal is to ensure that the children are kept safe.
You will likely need the assistance of a lawyer to apply for custody and ensure that the abusive parent is not able to have contact with the children if it would not be safe to do so. There may be a few options to consider if that is not the case. You may request supervised visitation, where you do not have to see your abusive partner while the children visit them.
A good resource for information on this subject is the Family Law Guide published online by the GNWT Department of Justice. Be sure to search for the most recent copy of this guide as it is updated quite regularly. The current website for this guide is at www.justice.gov.nt.ca/en/files/family-law-guide. Pay particular attention to Section 6: Family Violence and Abuse
In addition to organizing custody options, you may also want to consult Legal Aid about helping you apply for child support from the other parent.

3. RIGHTS TO PROPERTY

Even though you have chosen to leave, you still hold rights to certain property, depending on the type of relationship you have.
If you are a spouse, this information applies to you. A spouse is defined as “a person who is married to another person, has lived in a marriage-like relationship with that other person for two years or more or has lived in a marriage-like relationship with another person for less than two years and has a natural or adopted child with that person”
Family property most commonly include things like a home, land, cabin, furniture, a family business, vehicles, bank accounts, investments, and retirement savings/pensions.
Unless there was a pre-nuptial agreement created before the separation/divorce, this property is usually divided equally.
Determining the division of property can be a complex subject. You are usually better off to use the services of a lawyer or at least a mediator or negotiator to help with this process.

Online and Cellphone Safety

Once you have left the relationship, it is ideal to use a completely different cell phone (or at least a new sim card) and to set up a completely new email address, preferably one that does not identify you by name.
Use the new email address to set up new accounts online, including any social media accounts if you plan to use it.

Income Assistance

After leaving an abusive partner, you may not have a lot of income. It could be that you have been a stay-at-home parent and not working outside of the home. It could be that you haven’t had the opportunity to learn a skill or take jobs outside of your home because of your abusive partner. Whatever the case, you may be in need of income assistance, especially when you first leave.

The GNWT provides Income Assistance for people impacted by family violence. There are Client Service Officers who will see you very quickly after you first contact an Education, Culture, & Employment (ECE) Service Centre. You can contact them by calling toll free 1 (867) 768-8149. There is some documentation required, but you can get access to the income assistance before you provide all the documentation. You do need to get them the documentation, but you have one month to do so.

In order to get this Income Assistance, the following conditions need to be met:

Proof (a statutory declaration form) that you are no longer living with your partner. This form must be completed in front of a Commissioner for Oaths, a Notary Public, or a Justice of the Peace.
Proof that you have been impacted by family violence. This might be done by a referral to the RCMP, a visit to a doctor or nurse, counsellor, a family violence shelter, etc.
Information – includes basic contact and identification information, current marital status, education and employment history, reason for your application, current monthly income, maintenance orders, estimated value of your assets (property), and other financial information.
While collecting Income Assistance, you are required to participate in a “productive choice”. This might include employment, education, traditional activities, parenting your children, volunteering, wellness programs, career planning, or even volunteering.

What Will Income Assistance Pay For?

Food
Accommodation (rent, room & board, or a mortgage payment)
Power, water, & sewer costs
A fuel allowance
A clothing allowance
A childcare allowance
Additional money if you are disabled or if you are over 60 years of age

In order to get accommodation costs covered, you must be on a waiting list for public (subsidized) housing. If you have arrears with public housing, you will not be considered for the waiting list until you sign and honour a repayment plan for a minimum of six months.

Long-term Housing

You may have left and gone directly to a family violence shelter, where you can stay for up to 6 weeks. But whether you went there or to a friend’s house to stay, you are going to need a new home to call your own. There are a number of challenges around this, but you may have a number of options to try as well.

1. GET THE PARTNER TO LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME SO YOU CAN MOVE BACK THERE.

This could be difficult to do, but in some cases, you can apply for a protection order (as detailed earlier in this section) and ask the judge to include an order that allows you and your children to stay in the home, and orders the abusive partner not to go there, while still requiring them to help pay for the cost of living in the home. If you have a lease with the Local Housing Organization, you can apply to the local rental officer and ask to have the joint lease terminated and switched into your name only.

2. IF YOU WERE JOINTLY RENTING A HOME FROM A PRIVATE LANDLORD, YOU CAN TRY TO GET YOUR PARTNER REMOVED FROM THE LEASE AND TRY TO PAY THE RENT ON YOUR OWN.

This may require an assignment agreement, where your partner essentially signs over the lease to you. For this to happen, you have to have lived in the rental unit for at least 6 months, and you, your abusive partner, and the landlord must sign the agreement.

It is possible to apply for funds under the Transitional Rent Supplement Program to help cover costs if you are living in private market housing. There are some conditions attached to this, and it will only last for two years, but it might be worth checking into. You can apply by contacting one of the district offices of the NWT Housing Corporation, or by emailing NWTHC_TRSP@gov.nt.ca. These are the conditions:

You must have a current lease with a private landlord
You must be 19 years or older
You must have lived in the NWT for more than one year
You cannot be on income assistance
You cannot have rental arrears with the Local Housing Organization
Within the first six months of receiving the subsidy, you must take a Financial Skills 1 –Budgeting course.

3. GET YOUR NAME REMOVED FROM A RENTAL LEASE SO YOU CAN MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. YOU MAY APPLY TO THE RENTAL OFFICER FOR A TERMINATION OF YOUR TENANCY AGREEMENT IF YOU HAVE A PROTECTION ORDER OR OTHER ORDER INDICATING THAT YOUR PARTNER COMMITTED FAMILY VIOLENCE. TO REACH THE NWT RENTAL OFFICER, CALL (867) 920-8047. WHAT IF YOU HAVE RENTAL ARREARS?

A rental hearing will be held with the NWT Rental Officer, and it is extremely important that you attend this hearing.
Both you and your former partner are responsible for the arrears if both your names were on the lease.
You can use a portion of your monthly Income Assistance to pay off the arrears.
Some charitable organizations may be willing to help you out.
You may seek a referral to the ‘Homelessness Assistance Fund (HAF). This fund may cover arrears up to $3,000.00 and is a one-time-only deal. You can call the NWT Housing Corporation to apply for this fund. (867)-920-3277.

4. APPLY TO LYNN’S PLACE IN YELLOWKNIFE

Lynn’s Place is a longer-term, transitional shelter for women and their children only.
This option offers two 3-bedroom and ten 2-bedroom apartments, and 6 bed-sitting units at slightly less than market rates.
You can live here for between 24 and 36 months after moving into Lynn’s Place.
There are a number of conditions that must be met in order to apply for housing at Lynn’s Place. Contact them at (867)-873-6170 to learn more.

Staying Safe Away from Home

Depending on how your abusive partner reacts after you leave, it may be wise to take precautions when you or your children are away from home. This section includes guidelines on staying safe at work, at school, and when out in public. This will include efforts to prevent being harassed or harmed by your abuser, especially if they are not to have any contact with you and/or your children.

Talking to your Children

After leaving an abusive relationship, you might assume that children would feel nothing but relief. However, that is not always the case, especially if your partner is their parent. It is important to be honest with the children, but they don’t need to know all the intimate details of the “why” behind your decision to leave. They have likely witnessed some of the abuse, but they also may have not experienced the abuse themselves. Their abusive parent probably wasn’t always behaving abusively, and they may miss the times when that parent was good to them, or fun to be with. It will be necessary for you to be ready to listen to your children. Let them talk about their feelings as and when they want to and offer them messages of support.

Here are some tips for talking to your children after you have left their parent:

Make it easy for your children to love both parents.
Tell your children that they are loved.
Tell the truth but keep it simple.
Be civil. Don’t criticize or belittle the other parent in front of the children.
Reassure the children that your separation has nothing to do with them. It was not their fault.
Acknowledge the past and stay focused on the future.

Here are some ideas for spending time with your children after you have left their parent:

Go for a walk with them
Take them to a playground or park
Read them a book (this is a great idea for just before bedtime each night!)
Take them to a library
Play a card game or board game with them
Colour or draw or paint a picture
Let them help you make cookies
Build a blanket fort and have a picnic in it

Whatever you choose to do, it does not have to be expensive or fancy. Your children will enjoy spending time with you when you are happy and not stressed out. This will help them to relax and feel less stressed themselves, and it may give them a chance to talk about your feelings with you.

GAMES PEOPLE PLAY…

It can be challenging to deal with your children and your former partner after you leave, especially if there is still contact between your partner and the children. Emotions can run very high, and it is not unusual for both yourself and/or your former partner to be tempted to use the children as “weapons” in the fight between the two of you. Try as much as you can to avoid abusing your children’s loyalty and trust by staying away from these kinds of “games”.

MESSENGER
Using your children as messengers between the two of you. It teaches children that adults cannot talk honestly or directly to each other.

“YOUR MOM/DAD IS STUPID”
Name calling and anger between parents has a destructive effect on children. You may hold a lot of anger towards your former partner, but your children may still love and miss them.

I SPY
Asking a child to report on the other parent is destructive. You are taking advantage of your child for your own benefit, and hurting them in the process.

MUMMY & DADDY SANTA
Giving your children expensive gifts or taking them on very special outings, just to try and ‘outdo’ the other parent, or to make up for parenting mistakes.

PICK A SIDE
Saying things that pit one parent against another puts pressure on your children to take sides.
For example, making statements like “I want to keep the house for the kids, but he wants to sell it”.

COMPETING FOR TIME
If the children are scheduled to see their other parent, don’t set up competing activities for the same day to entice the child to cancel their visit. “You can go if you like, but we are going on a picnic” makes the child feel guilty one way or another.

What about Me?

Caring for Your Physical
& Mental/Emotional Health

Emotional Health

You may experience…

GRIEF – This may seem odd since you just left a situation where you were being abused, but you do need to grieve the “death” of your relationship. You may feel sad because you still love your partner, and you may miss the good times that you had. You may feel sad because you lost a relationship you thought would be good. Grief doesn’t have to make sense, and there is nothing wrong with feeling sad that your relationship ended, no matter what the reason.

EUPHORIA/RELIEF – After getting out of an abusive relationship, it is normal to feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders. This feeling can last for quite a while after you leave, but don’t be surprised if at some point it is replaced with a feeling of grief or anger or depression.

ANGER – You have likely spent a great deal of time pushing down your anger throughout the relationship, so when you leave, don’t be surprised if you feel awash with anger. You may feel more anger than you have ever felt before. That’s ok. It is safe for you to feel and express your anger now. Just be sure to do it in a safe and responsible way. Don’t take it out on the others around you, and don’t waste it on revenge. Use that anger to give yourself power and motivation for a better life.

ANXIETY – The time just after you leave can be one of the most dangerous times of all. You are most likely going to be concerned about keeping yourself and your children safe, and it is natural to feel anxiety about that until you can get into a safer location or situation. But there is another reason you may feel anxious. You are leaving a relationship where you had almost no control over your life, and now everything is up to you! Give yourself time to get used to being in charge. Take it one day at a time and ask for help when you need it.

LONELINESS – The time just after you leave can be one of the most dangerous times of all. You are most likely going to be concerned about keeping yourself and your children safe, and it is natural to feel anxiety about that until you can get into a safer location or situation. But there is another reason you may feel anxious. You are leaving a relationship where you had almost no control over your life, and now everything is up to you! Give yourself time to get used to being in charge. Take it one day at a time and ask for help when you need it.

Emotional Health

As you go through periods of grief, you may experience physical and emotional reactions including:

Problems sleeping (too much or not enough)
Stomach issues – reordered to diarrhea, constipation or nausea
Weight gain or loss – some people find comfort in eating; others find it difficult to eat
Feelings of inadequacy and failure
Easily irritated, lack of patience
Difficulty in making decisions
Poor memory and brain fog

Be easy on yourself. You are dealing with a very difficult situation, and it will take time for life to get back to normal. Physical exercise can help. Even just going for a walk with a friend can give you a lift. You may not be able to stop these symptoms immediately but knowing what to expect will make it easier for you to understand how and why you are feeling this way. PHYSICAL HEALTH When living with an abusive partner, it is not unusual for you to have not visited a doctor for a very long time. Some abusers may be jealous of what they perceive to be another man/woman looking at the body of their partner and may not allow them to go for checkups. Or perhaps you may have been embarrassed to go to a doctor in case they realized that you were being abused. Whatever the reason, it is a good idea to book a full checkup for yourself once you are living on your own.

What is included in a Physical Exam?

Check of your weight, height, and blood pressure.
They will ask about any medication you are currently taking.
They will ask if you have any issues or symptoms you are worried about.
You may need to disrobe and put a hospital gown on.
The doctor may check your skin for any moles or abnormalities.
An internal exam and PAP smear for women, depending on your age.
A breast exam for women; a mammogram may also be scheduled.
You may be asked to do or schedule some screening tests such as a FIT test to screen for colon cancer, or a bone density scan to check for osteoporosis.
You may also be sent for blood and urine tests, depending on your age and health issues.

It is best to be honest with your doctor and let them know that you have just left an abusive relationship. You may feel uncomfortable about some of these procedures. Let them know. You can ask for a nurse of the same gender as you to be present in the room during the exam.

Suggestions for Self-care

Let yourself feel your emotions fully. Don’t judge yourself for having them; just acknowledge them as they come, and then let them pass through.
Make time for you. Do what feels nurturing for yourself – have a bath, go for a walk, phone a friend, read a book. You deserve to pamper yourself.
Try to eat small, nutritious meals on a regular basis. Rest when you can, even if you can’t sleep. Exercise to release tension.
Develop a daily routine to bring structure to your life. Get up and go to bed at the same time each day. Try to have meals on a schedule. Develop routines for daily chores.
Set and accomplish goals for yourself each day. Make a list and cross things off as you get them done.
Remember to take things one day at a time. If you are feeling overwhelmed, just pick one thing that you can do right now and leave the rest for tomorrow.
On holidays and special occasions, establish new traditions and customs that you can do. Have a potluck with others, volunteer with a community group, or take a little trip.